I recently turned 30. I recall someone on TV saying - I think it was one of the Queer Eye guys - that 30 is the new 20. It must be true. Anyway, I threw myself a surprise party to celebrate the event, for turning thirty comes around three or four times in a guy's life TOPS.
Whatever happened to the Queer Eye guys? Is that show still on?
Things I planned to do this night
- Designate a driver. My personal preference is still the titanium one that I got with my first set of clubs. I planned to swing this, hopefully from a moving car, at everything in range.
- Insinuate to strangers at the bar that the Colts are going to win the big dance and Mr. Grossman is a retard pitched against arguably the best QB in the league.
- Sing "Honesty" by Billy Joel. This is not a karaoke bar. And "Piano Man". Gotta sing Piano Man.
- Invite Chuck Norris to the party. Chuck Norris will, at first, refuse to attend. Ever since the domestic abuse allegation, he has been trying to stem his Bourbon habit and steer clear of the public eye. Being seen in a bar in Peoria, IL will no doubt undo most of his hard work and earn him several stab wounds from his PR agent. But I will promise him that MC Hammer has agreed to show (for I have promised him the sum of a hundred dollars as legal tender for MC'ing at the party, which guessing by his name, I will assume is what he does these days - those lines of coke don't align themselves, I will remind him). Now creaming with the anticipation of a full roundhouse to Hammer's face (for their rivalry dates back to well over a decade ago when MC claimed that this couldn't be touched, and Chuck disagreed, taking this for some reason as a personal affront), Norris will jump at the chance and promise to show up. He will also politely ask if I'm registered somewhere. Crate & Barrel, I will tell him.
- Register at Crate & Barrel.
